Forgiveness

So yesterday my car broke down, and i was initially really really annoyed. It seemed like the 3rd of the bad things that happen in 3's (my blender broke, then our water got shut off, then my car) and I was about to head off to work too. So i had to get a taxi out to work. I was complaining to my dad about it. He said to me "good thing the car broke down while you were at home bub, imagine if it happened while you were somewhere else. HF must know what he's doing." Then today a really nice mobile mechanic guy came and fixed my car for me. And he didn't even charge full price. I should be more grateful to HF and stop blaming him for all the bad things that have been happening. I read a quote this morning by a 1940's Wanganui Surgeon-turned-naturopath little known man named Ulric Williams, famed with healing a lot of people but shunned by the medical community (funny that) about Forgiveness. I'm not sure how it fits in with this post, but it seems like a good attitude to have. Better than being annoyed anyway. "Forgiveness means saying it doesn't matter. Forgiveness means saying to oneself, If i forgive this person, God can use my forgiveness to put things right. Forgiveness means saying to oneself, This person did the best they could with the knowledge and awareness and understanding they had at the time. I set them free from my condemnation." Words to live by. Thanks Ulric.

Hit & run vs Self defence

Seems to me like I never realize I've had a near death experience until after one just about happens. I don't know how i manage to go through life in such an oblivious way, I've often likened myself to an absent minded professor. My family tell me I just have a short attention span. This morning at 2:30am I was on my way to work, (a 4hr shift, it seemed like almost a waste of time) when a guy stepped out in front of my car just as I was about to go straight over the pedestrian crossing on a road not far from my house. Since it was dark and he was wearing a hoodie i didn't see him until I'd passed him, good thing he stopped or I would have mowed him down. After going past and getting a fright that I'd nearly hit someone I started thinking about the situation. He was (he? I don't even know) with someone else, both of them wearing hoodies. And they were standing in the middle of the road staring after my car for ages. Why wouldn't they just get off the road? Not to be rude, but if i did run down someone who looked like a gang member/ someone who could be trying to car jack me, could I be held responsible? Or could I claim self defense? After all, what kind of sane person would try to step in front of a car with its lights on in the middle of the night when there is no traffic anyway? Why would anyone want to stop a car at that time, except someone who was up to no good? And if I had hit him and then kept going, couldn't I just call 111 and tell them "Oh sorry, I hit someone. No i didn't stop. A single female in the middle of the night? I don't think so. I'll tell you where it was and you can send a cop to go check on him." My friend from South africa said over there, people will deliberately lie on the road so that cars slow down then they can kill the driver and steal whatever they have on them. It will be a sad day when that starts happening here.

Personal inspirations

Seems to me like whenever i need an answer to a problem it usually arrives in the form of music or literature. Occasionally a person, but not often. I received a revelation a couple of years ago that i needed to be more proactive. It took me about a year to finally track down a decent definition for the word "proactive" in a Steven Covey book - "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" that i found while on holiday in Gisborne. The funny thing was that when I got back home I saw the same book sitting on a bookshelf at our house where it had been sitting all year, completely unnoticed by me. I guess i had to go on a quest for it, so that I would treasure it, like Santiago in "The Alchemist." It went something like this: proactive people are those who focus their efforts on things which they can do something about--and reactive people, who blame, accuse, behave like victims, pick on other people's weaknesses and complain about external factors over which they have no control (e.g. the weather). Proactive people are responsible for their own lives. Covey breaks down the word responsibility into ability and to choose a response. Proactive people recognise their responsibility to make things happen. Those who allow their feelings to control their actions have abdicated responsibility and empowered their feelings. When proactive people make a mistake, they not only recognise and acknowledge their mistake, but also correct it if possible and, most importantly, learn from it. This one seemed quite difficult to me to follow, and yet its only the first of the 7 habits. You would think that the first step would be the easiest, but no. On good days I sometimes remember to try and be proactive, but on highly emotional days, theres absolutely no chance. I just get overwhelmed by things that are going on around me and find it hard to anchor myself down. Like a wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed. I'm glad theres always tomorrow.

Feelings

My uncle, who passed away this year, gave me a sage piece of advice once, regarding journal writing, which I assume can also be applied to blog writing. If you want your diaries to be truly memorable for the future, write about your feelings. Talk about how you felt today and the events will simply be the garnish. If you do that you will find that the Spirit will begin to communicate itself through the power of the written word. Although its hard to capture certain feelings in words, and more particularly to convey the strength or lack thereof of certain emotions, I will therefore attempt only to label the emotions I felt and not go into any depth on them. English is the best technical language on the planet, having the greatest vocabulary of any language on earth, but its not the best at conveying emotions. Roman languages such as spanish and french, have devoted a whole new tense to describing feelings. Its called the subjunctive and barely features in english, but I don't need to go into that now. 1) Working at an election day polling booth Stressed, Exuberant, Engrossed, Busy, Pleased, Miffed, Overfed, Disappointed 2) My best friends baby shower Redundant, alone, happy for her, bystander 3) My flatmate announcing she was moving out (the day I moved in) Shocked, alarmed, anxious, burdened (looking for someone else) 4) Getting an out of the blue email from an old flame the day after I had a dream about him Flabbergasted, wary, surprised, weirded-out, Curious, "What the hell!?" depressed, teary-eyed, sad, nostalgic, grateful that I've moved on 5) Writing during Nanowrimo Frustrated, agonized, mentally challenged, deranged, hopeful, enthusiastic, pleased, challenged, connected to my inner self - serene, peaceful, "In the flow" 6) Finishing training, starting my new job, customer services Tired, pressured, insulted, offended, ignorant, delighted, unsure, harangued, joyful, playful, adventurous 7) My flatmate offering/trying to set me up on blind dates Consternation, Resignation, rejected, grateful, naive, sad 8) Winning Nano! Elated, grateful, exulted, overjoyed... for about 5 minutes until I checked my emails (See #4) 9) My Work Christmas Party Alone, overfed 10) Being abused by a crazy Auckland driver Annoyed, vengeful, fearful, resentful of his idiocy, "Freakin idiot!" (Vengeance filled daydreams soothe my feelings hehe)

Deja vu theory

I saw an unusual house out of the corner of my eye, walking with my flatmate this morning, she said something to me and it was like I flipped backwards into time, like I'd already lived this moment before. When, I wasn't sure. But there was definately an otherworldly feeling to it. So visual cue + audio clue = deja vu, (from the french "already seen.") For me thats how it usually works anyway. Two or three events will combine in my consciousness to create that feeling that something is going on. I've had a few deja vu moments lately. My theory is that it means I dreamed it before, I dreamed about seeing or hearing something and then when it happens later my subconscious remembers it. One of my friends has a different theory. She thinks that before we came to this life we saw a preview of our life here on earth, and that we remembered certain things that would happen prior to significant moments - so the deja vu triggers an awareness that something important is about to happen. Another friend said she just feels like when she gets deja vu that its a personal sign to her that her life is going in the direction that its meant to. In any case, deja vu can't be predicted. It just sort of jumps on you without any advance warning. But its usually more memorable than other random moments of my day.

Finding joy in my creation

On Saturday i worked at the elections from 7:45am til 9:30pm thus killing any chances of catching up on my nanowrimo wordcount over the weekend. And having already worked out that i needed to have 15000 words by the 9th of november to stay on track, I was a bit stressed. I sat down last night to try and catch up and my mind went blank. The stress of what i was attempting to achieve hit me, along with frustration at the lack of forthcoming inspiration, and i resorted to menial tasks such as playing solitaire on my laptop, wandering around the house looking for things to do and eating even though i wasn't actually hungry. Then i wrote a brief discourse at the end of my novel on how much i hated my story and how horrible and boring it was, how i never want anybody else but me to read it and what on earth was i thinking and so on and so forth. Finally i went hunting for one of my old journals, from when i was overseas. Flicking open to a random page was a brief comment, Today we were talking to (i forget) and he told us a story. They were driving along the road when (?) yelled at him to stop the car. He jumped out and ran around a corner hand over mouth and threw up on the ground. Unfortunately, he didn't know it at the time but he was actually standing outside a huge restaurant with glass windows... and there was a family just inside staring back at him. As i read i laughed, as i laughed i relaxed and as i relaxed memories formed into ideas and ideas became words and before i knew it i was happy and the wordcount grew, which of course made me happier... and in the flow. I still haven't caught up yet, but when i woke up this morning i had a sense of hope. Creating demands a lot of a person, passion and enthusiasm and mostly love for what one is doing. To quote Orson Scott Card my favourite scifi/historical fiction writer, "A creator is one who is a part of what he creates." Just like the supreme Creator, who called us all into existence as well as this world, all creation denotes that He is there and that he wants us to be happy.

My nanowrimo

Username: Pianika Novel: Untitled POV: 1st person Wordcount: 7322 At this point in time, my novel is a random assortment of thoughts (in diary form) from a young adult female on her first major trip overseas. Sort of like Bridget Jones only she's kiwi not english, and she is a bit younger. it may evolve or change form at any point in time. I'm glad its only day 3.