Emotional Ties part 2

In my teen years I used to suffer from dizzy spells and blackouts. I don’t think I ever actually fainted, but I definitely came close. One day it was the worst incident ever, I was at church and I came out of the ladies and it was like my vision disappeared and I couldn’t see a thing in front of me. I started feeling the walls because I knew I was really close to the exit and as I walked outside I thought I heard someone say my name.

I stopped because I could see a little bit, but not in a normal way. It was like those old photo negatives that you get that reverse the colours, but instead of that, instead of seeing shapes I could only see the outline of those shapes and the colours inside were missing. I could see the outline of a tree in front of me but not the green of the leaves. I headed towards the tree and plunked myself down under it, and closed my eyes. I felt really heavy and lethargic and weak. I thought I might be dying. The first thing I was aware of though, was my sisters voice, “You look dead.”

Then Mum & my aunty arrived & dragged me off the ground and helped me up to the car, took me home and forced a spoonful of sugar into my mouth. I nearly choked on it, so they gave me some water too, but within a few minutes I started coming around and then they gave me some proper food.

My impression was that the belief I had taken on at this time was that I was going to die and sugar saved my life (hence my addiction to it). When I pondered on what the truth might be, what I came up with was that food is nourishing, sugar is not. Since then I haven’t had any compulsion to eat sugar or chocolate, which is astounding to me. I started eating a chocolate bar the other day and put it down after one mouthful, which never happens. I’m totally blown away by the change in me after one small event.

Emotional Ties

Over the last few days I’ve had a hankering to write, which is quite unusual because I haven’t had that feeling for a long time. Usually when I do write something its because I’ve forced myself to do so after a long time of thinking about it and not actually doing it. But that’s changed, something has changed within me and I’m not sure what it is exactly.

Yesterday I fasted, for two reasons. One was for help for a friend who is going through a rough patch at the moment, and the other was for me to be able to find out my emotional connection to food. My friend reckoned that’s what she did and that enabled her to lose masses of weight and stopped her eating compulsively. Most people eat compulsively, so I don’t feel bad about it, but it is something that I would like to change about myself because I never used to do that.

It’s a bit of a long story though, I should go back and figure out what I actually want to say about it. Til next time.