The girl in the photo

One day while PK was looking through photos on an acquired hard drive, she happened across some old photos of herself as a youngster. She had very little actual recollections of her life at that particular point in time, and yet the photo saddened her. While certain child “experts” claimed that emotions babies experience can become imprinted on one’s psyche as “body/ subconscious memories” eg if a child is left in an incubator for 3months after birth it can be traumatic for them, later jeopardizing their chances for happiness in adult life (loss & abandonment issues, fear, insecurity, sadness etc), theres nobody who can be blamed for such things. All those talk shows where people blame their parents for their childhood issues are just stupid. It doesn’t serve anybody, throwing the blame around for things like that. People just need to take responsibility for their own lives. Nevertheless she decided to interrogate her mother regarding the circumstances surrounding her birth. Was she ever left alone at any time? How did her mother feel about her? How did her father feel about her? (Also according to “experts”, babies are very sensitive to the thoughts & feelings of their parents prior to and after birth, picking up on whether they are wanted or not) She learned a lot of things she would have preferred to not know, but that’s what happens when curiousity gets the better of a person. PK guessed she was about 18months old in the photo. Her older sister had just elbow gouged her in an attempt to get to their new baby brother. Maybe she was sad because she wanted to be picked up & comforted, but everyone was either busy with the camera or the new baby. Being stuck in the middle of the family sucks. Having an odd number of siblings also sucks. One person always gets left out. 3’s company. 5th wheel etc. “Its ok,” she decided in her head, “I don’t need people around to be myself. In fact, sometimes being alone is the easiest way to be yourself, you don’t have to be responsible for anyone but you, and as an additional plus there’s nobody to judge or second guess your decisions.”

Attempt at poetry

To see many images via a tv screen Or hear a voice in a distant place While watching news coverage as it happens I forget whose hand made each race To know those stars make up a universe A forest starts with one tiny seed Yet in small secret whispers from heaven Infinity cries “Believe” Yes now I see the touch of the masters hand In each valley, plain & sea Yet in all of creation our father above Only needed one of me

Memories of overseas

Heavenly wafting smells of 20 different bakeries upon exiting the apartment... playing in the snow & my first eer time seeing snowflakes (they look huge in cartoons & yet in real life are miniscule)... getting yelled at by an old lady in a stairwell because she thought we were stealing peoples identities... laughing at mistakes we made in the native language... getting goosebumps when an impromptu male choir sung things song, "can you hear the songs (sounds?) of the children"... sad farewells & joyous reunions at the train station... people who claimed to hate america yet wore american clothes & watched american movies & listened to american music... a bus driver who saved us late one night from a gang of muslim men... my first ever tan!!! (normally I burn then peel)... scary big buildings with bullet holes in the doors & burnt out cars on the side... a woman telling us she only wanted us to visit to give her money because her husband spent all their income drinking with his friends... a beautiful grey castle by a lake... a huge cadbury chocolate factory with a free samples room at the end of the tour (help yourself, yum!)... a huge water jet that shot up 100m into the air... a 7hr walking trip down the side of a mountain because we went to the top but misread the sign saying the bus only ran 1x/day on school holidays... crying because i was so frustrated with myself & everything that was going on... victorias secret purple love spell perfume that my friend used to wear all the time... getting asked if NZ was in america or africa... one person i met on a bus who knew the words "Kia Ora" that made me feel soo good... a knee high chess set in the park by where we lived... underground metros & how scared i was the first time I had to ride on one... miracle bread... angel days... guardians... cheese... a heat wave... freezing chills like I've never experienced in my life... people, good, bad, marvellous, cold, polite, passionate, funny, lovable, beloved. I miss them.

Thoughts on the institution of marriage

While i was packing today, I came across a piece of writing I did in religious studies class when I was 17 about marriage. At that point in time I was very cynical about marriage, & supposed happy ever afters. I ended my essay by talking about a physics class on 'wave theory' where 2 waves will either cancel each other out (peak+trough), or be really low (troughx2) or double in size (peakx2). So my idea was that, surely, there must be people who would complement each other to such an extent that they really would create synergy when they were together (like the peakx2). And yet all the couples around me seemed alot more like the peak+trough. Whether one was dominant and one submissive or they just manipulated each other & tried to control one another, it has been quite discouraging watching a number of friends and family members get married then get separated then get divorced instead of staying together like couples ideally should do. I mean, what is it that happens between falling in love and getting a divorce? Is it selfishness? or ego? or the adversary? or jealousy? or any number of other negative emotions? I have never been married, so I'm only seeing this from an outsiders perspective and perhaps my perception is flawed. Its hard to write about things I know nothing about. Maybe i should stop now. I just want to find an example of a really good marriage where they actually are happy together. One that comes to mind is the late President Hinckley and his wife. They were so lovely together even after all that time. The other is 2 members of my family. They were teenage sweethearts. She passed away earlier this year of cancer & he followed a few weeks later from a stroke. Its been sad for their kids, but i guess he really couldn't bear being separated from her.

28 days raw

"...and all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; and shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; and shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint." Apparently eating raw for 28 days allows your body to cure even the most heinous of diseases. Since i wasn't that sick to begin with, I can't judge on that account. And in any case, i would never recommend going raw to anyone. Its taken me 4yrs to get desperate enough (health-wise) to even want to try this craziest of diets, and its one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to go into it baby steps at a time. First cutting out meat on weekdays, then attempting to cut out chocolate (that has never worked for me, I love chocolate too much) then the worst one I ever tried, I call it the extreme diet - junk food one day, guilt induced fruit & veg only the next. I have yet to see the boundless energy & zest for living that raw foodists on the internet promise, but I think thats because my liver still needs work - those solvents 3-4yrs ago were not good for me, they made me sleepy, excessively tired & gave me swollen ankles - but they did kickstart my health research quest. Where is the wellspring of youth springing up into eternal life promised by so many raw foodists? Why has it not yet worked for me!? Since I like to experiment (I think its the scientist in me), I will try one more month raw & see what happens.

I believe

When I was young i believed my aunty when she told me eating seeds would cause fruit trees to sprout out of my ears, i believed a lot of things people told me that weren't true, causing me much stress as a young child and giving me the unwarranted labels "naive" and "gullible." ( I prefer the word "trusting"). But as you grow older your beliefs evolve and change in accordance with you as a person, the things you learn and the experiences that you have. And although the following list is not complete, it at least contains a few of the things that are coming to mind as i write about this subject. I believe:- ...that all things happen for a reason, even when the reasons may not be apparent in this life. ... that everyone has a specific mission to accomplish on this earth whether it be big or small ... that children need their mothers love when they're young & their fathers wisdom when they're old ... happiness comes from appreciating the small things in life & looking for whats good in people ... that everyone has a story worth telling ... that my mum is always right, even/especially when i don't want to listen to her ... that the world is a beautiful place ... that cancer, diabetes & numerous other diseases are curable ... that children are better off home schooled (maybe a 'grass is greener on the other side' thing) ... that half the things i learnt at uni were redundant & did little more for me than get me a job once i finished - and i'm not even in that profession anymore ... that my family love me even though they don't always show it in ways i understand ... that no matter what happens in life, God will never abandon me. I can always go to him & trust in his care and concern for me, he will never let me down, ever.

Moving again

So the time has come for me to leave my family & my beautiful home town and head up to the big smoke. Although I don't like auckland, it intimidates me and I get lost easily there, I have felt for a few months I needed to move there but i didn't want to. Sometimes I feel quite bullied by the Lord. He got me a job & now I have to move. Darn it. I would have been ok with commuting except for the skyrocketing price of petrol. Its a more expensive place to live though, I'm not sure cost of commuting wouldn't have been offset by the extra cost to rent in auckland. I have been procrastinating packing for 2wks now. Maybe i should stop being addicted to the net & go start now...

The yummiest divine chocolate mmm

I just made some raw chocolate. Its the most delicious thing in the whole world, even though most of the ingredients have to be found in obscure places like purewellbeing.com or organic health food stores. But its SO worth it. 1c coconut oil 1c raw cacao powder (like cocoa powder but not processed) 50g cacao butter 1/4c agave syrup or manuka honey 1/4c coconut cream 1/4c tahini 1/4c cashew nut butter 1 pinch himalayan salt Place a metal bowl in a larger bowl of hot water. Melt the coconut oil & butter first, then add the other ingredients & stir well. Pour into molds or ice trays, optionally pour over almonds, cashews, goji berries or raisins and set overnight in the freezer. YUM!

Coincidences & connections

I have been noticing alot more things lately, ever since i watched the Celestine Prophecy (based on a book by James Redfield). The way you'll be thinking of someone and they'll call you, or you'll run into them. I was writing in my journal about my brother and sister who I rarely ever see, then within 24hrs I had randomly run into both of them. Coincidence? I think not. I think such meetings are planned in advance by God. The key is whether or not you choose to listen to the little whispery promptings that you get from time to time. I saw my sister just because she "happened" to be walking to her mailbox just as I chose a different route home, my brother because we both "happened" to go to the same petrol station at the same time. Then to top it off, I was at the fruit & veg store where the very chatty sales assistant was talking and talking to me, I wasn't in a hurry so I didn't mind, but there were other customers waiting. And why did I get held up that day? I wasn't sure until my dad walked through the door. If she hadn't been talking so long I never would have seen him, we would have completely bypassed each other. Sometimes you have really strong connections to people and you can sense when they're going to call you, or you'll both be thinking about the same thing at the same time. People are gifts who come into your life, often to teach you something, sometimes to be taught.

Fiction vs Non fiction

There is a duality in nature – light vs dark, male female, mind heart, logic emotion, rationality vs creativity. My view is that non-fiction generally is tailored to the mind, whereas fiction is generally tailored to the heart. Some people are more “thinkers” and some are more “emotionally-oriented” (I would use the word “feelers” but some people have bad connotations of that word). In order to enjoy fiction, I think one needs to connect with ones emotional side and temporarily disconnect ones brain. While reading fiction the best part for me is creating mental images of how things ought to be - envisioning things how you want them to be regardless of what the author originally intended, its like magic. For myself, I love fiction & use it as an escape. I like fantasy-sci fi or books that evoke memories, emotions & ideas. When I was young the make believe worlds I read about had a much stronger pull on me than the harsh realities of life. They say when you read something as a child it becomes a part of you as an adult (You've got mail, Meg Ryan's character) I have only recently begun to enjoy non fiction. I avoided it ever since I was about 10, it just held little or no appeal for me. I usually only subscribe to books that are recommended to me by trusted friends and usually only along certain lines. For example at the moment, health, wellbeing, some history & I have recently become more interested in psychology and human development books, since I started meeting with a counsellor, its been quite enlightening.

World View

Every person is unique, with their own set of traits, talents and abilities. Due to our unique background, family history, culture and education, we each have our own individual perspective on the world. And most of us perceive our own belief system as more valid than another persons. But it really isn't. When I hear something or read something that resonates with my own personal perspectives, then it will seem true to me and I will accept it. However when someone tells me something that jars against what I hold true, naturally I will reject it. For myself, this is especially true in the case of health and wellbeing choices. And regardless of certain people who disagree with what I want to do (and in my opinion its none of their damn business what I do with my health), I will continue making choices that fit in with my opinions and my world view. According to "The Secret" we attract what we hold in our minds and hearts, whether positive or negative. So if somebody believes something similar to what I believe, chances are that fate, or destiny will intertwine our paths at some point. People all want to be validated in their choices and actions in life, hence why "birds of a feather flock together." My friends are not necessarily those with similar interests, but those with a similar way of looking at the world. In the case of me and my friends, we're big mockers. We like to laugh at anything and anyone. We chastise each other constantly, but we still do it. This is my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

New job

I got a new job, start in 2 wks. Time to upheave my life, move to a different city, like moving 3x already this year hasn't been enough... Looking forward to it though. Except I hate packing. Hate trying to get rid of stuff. I have too much stuff but i never want to get rid of any of it. Sad I know. Haven't told work I'm going. Oops.

New job

I got a new job, start in 2 wks. Time to upheave my life, move to a different city, like moving 3x already this year hasn't been enough... Looking forward to it though. Except I hate packing. Hate trying to get rid of stuff. I have too much stuff but i never want to get rid of any of it. Sad I know. Haven't told work I'm going. Oops.