Peer Power

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers... why? Because the people who we spend out time with are the ones with the most influence over us - for better or for worse.

Today I went to day one of a self motivation course paid for by work, at which I had to listen to a bunch of whinging sods behind me complaining about how they weren't learning anything. That can happen when you don't listen. I wished they would shut up, close minded people annoy me. You're getting paid to enjoy the beautiful view of the harbour and play with playdo, you may as well enjoy yourselves.

I sit here, reflecting on other peoples ability to affect or influence my motivations and emotions or my ability to affect theirs. I did really well at high school, and i had similar expectations as I went into Uni. Until a family friend said to me, "You can't expect to do as well at uni as you did at high school, theres more people to compete against and the work level is a lot higher."
I totally took what he said on board, believed him, and what do you know, uni was a struggle for me to get through. In hindsight what would he know, he never even finished uni. And yet I took his beliefs as my own. It was a big lesson to me. Only take the advice of people you trust, and even then, don't take it all.

I read one time that fear and anger cause our auras to shrink, and enthusiasm causes it to expand. Obviously an expanded aura (5m or so out from our body) can influence people alot more than one thats in close around us. Consciously or subconsciously, we're all affected by others. Maybe thats why people are most comfortable around those who are most like themselves.

At times I much prefer being alone to having to deal with other peoples hangups. All I have to do know is find a kindred spirit or two and then we can take over the world.

Shane

My stepdad was an interesting character, given to telling outrageous stories that only now I think may have been true. In his time he was a farmer, shepherd, metal worker and horse whisperer, plagued by type 1 diabetes from the age of about 20. He went less active as a youngster and spent most of his adult life out of the church, coming back to it only about 11yrs ago, shortly after which he travelled up from Invercargill to Hamilton for a wedding and met my mother.

Less than 2wks after their first meeting, they were engaged. The first time I met him was several months later at my sisters wedding. I could not fathom what on earth my mother saw in him. The night before their wedding he went on a sugar low and crashed his car into a ditch (the car he had just given to me with the intent that i would learn to drive in it). I looked at my siblings and wondered what my mother was thinking, was this not a sign of how their future life together would be?

Shane was a good poet, storyteller and cook. He helped teach me to drive (his method being to hold my knee and pinch me whenever I did something he didn't like) and he was very generous with his time and his belongings. He was very cheeky and we often would have arguments when our mutual insult-slinging matches became quite heated. According to mum, if he had ever had a daughter she would be just like me. I'm not sure whether to be pleased or offended by that remark.

Mum was his first and only wife. I often told him he was lucky she put up with his nonsense, when he was thinking clearly he usually agreed with me. She spent the last 2 or so years of his life as a full time caregiver, after numerous incidents including breaking his leg when he was thrown off a horse he was breaking in, being put on kidney dialysis, numerous infections, having part of his leg amputated and getting more and more grouchy with the pain.

He passed away peacefully in his sleep, and has now gone to join his parents and numerous family members on the other side. We buried him at a cemetery just out of Hamilton yesterday.

Loss

My stepdad passed away on monday. I'm not sure how i feel about it, still kind of numb i guess. My poor mum. The last 3 days have flown by, full of visitors and new faces and some old ones. The funeral is tomorrow.

Day 19

It seems weird doing a running commentary on the same subject over a period of time, maybe because I haven't tried it before. The red patch on my leg has shrunk slightly which I think is a good thing. I ignored medical advice and went back to work today, I've run out of sick leave for the year, and besides, saturdays are time and a half, sick days are not.

I had a huge craving for home made hash browns when I got home. I tried to stave it off with a salad, but that didn't cut it... mmm they smelt seriously good, even though I couldn't find my edmonds recipe book and had to improvise. Cheese and potato is such a deliciously savoury combination, the bland but soft potato with the crispy salty creaminess of the cheese melted and dripping. Love it!

Ideas vs Action

"Vision without action is merely a dream, action without vision just passes the time, action with vision can change the world."

So I think that some people come up with ideas, others carry out ideas and very very few have the capacity to do both. For myself, I regard myself as an ideas person, but not particularly action oriented. This started back when I was a baby. Mum would take turns sitting us in a little walker. My sister would immediately start propelling herself backwards, never forwards, only ever in the one direction. Whereas when placed in the same walker, I would sit there, look around and not even try to budge. According to my mother, i was busy pondering the fate of the universe, but I'm not so sure. I could just as easily have been thinking of nothing. I had a blank enough look on my face (as evidenced by the home videos they took at that time.)

At primary school, I would always think of things to do, and everyone else would do them, then I would join in, I was never a leader-type, more a follower, as people who are not action-orientated tend to be. We had great fun at home, my two siblings and I, being close in age. One of us would come up with something to do, and we would all launch ourselves wholeheartedly into it. My favourite was sliding down the staircase on mattresses. I was often the most reluctant of us to try new things, but I always enjoyed new experiences once I had been coaxed into it.

However, looking back at how I was then and how I am now, (and to think that when I was 18 I thought I knew it all!) I think that the point of this life is for each of us to learn different lessons, and become more balanced in the areas where we're lacking. I feel that its important for me to become more proactive and action orientated, in order to develop into the person that I need to be in the life to come. I just haven't quite figured out where to start.

Day 18

Today I went to the doctor. He told me I have phlebitis, which is apparently similar to thrombosis or cellulitis, I forget which, I just know we discussed both of them. He was upset that the antibiotics he gave me last time didn't work, so I omitted to mention to him that I lost the bottle partway through my scheduled dosage of 10 days and never finished. Oops.

Phlebitis is something to do with your vein being infected or clogged, we googled it but i've forgotten now, this is whats to blame for the nasty red patch on my leg. So I started taking the antibiotics (again!) like a good girl, which is not what I want to do at all, my aversion to medication is even greater than my mistrust of drs, not the individuals themselves, but the medical profession.

I won't get up on my soapbox for today and rant about the white supremist drug lords merck, roche, bayer etc and how they oversell toxic noxious pharmaceutical drugs to all and sundry poisoning the population by degrees in order to keep everyone sick and in need of their medications at overinflated prices so that they can suck the population dry.

No todays post is not about them, its about how I felt much better today. Whether it was the delicious fruit smoothie I made myself this afternoon or the herbal detox tea i had or possibly even the antibiotics. But the dr told me to draw a line about the phlebitis patch on my leg and if the redness spread outside of the line to go to the hospital immediately for fear of immediate dispatchment to the next realm. Luckily it hasn't yet. Will see what happens tomorrow

Day 15

Attempted 2 24hr fasts over the weekend, that was dumb, had headaches and chills and nausea. Somehow did something to my left leg that feels like i ripped a muscle, can't understand how because i can barely walk on my munted feet let alone do anything strenuous like you'd think that you need to do to hurt yourself so barely you can hardly stand up straight. Gonna try an epsom salts bath later on, apparently thats good for sore muscles, if thats what my problem is. Then sleep all afternoon. This morning when i jumped on the scales i seemed to have lost 3kgs, but you never know, i might find them later. Psyllium fibre is brilliant, i must say. Yesterday i decided to do a 7day no meat no dairy no bread thing, which started today. I've been craving sugar all day, I resorted to homogenised date/almond balls, yum. My sister agreed to come visit me in Aucks with her baby next week, i'm very much looking forward to it.

If i weren't a twin, who would I be?

Sometimes I like to engage in such pointless mental excursions as wondering what my life would be like if a certain thing had or hadn't happened, - would my parents have met if my Mum's parents hadn't converted to the mormon church and moved to Hamilton so she could go to CCNZ? What if my dad hadn't been taken in and later adopted by his aunty who was living in Hamilton instead of growing up in Tauranga with the rest of his siblings? Would he still be my dad? If he hadn't become my dad would I still be me, the way I am today? or someone completely different? Today is my sisters 9th wedding anniversary, Congrats to her, and him as well. When they first got married I didn't get along very well with my brother in law, sad to say, I regarded him as a thief who had taken my sister away from me. Since we were both together since childhood, I had a childish view of her being MINE, a possession, rather than her own individual person. If I wasn't a twin, what position would I hold in my family? Rather than the 2nd of 3, would I be an only child? a middle child with an older sister and younger brother? the older child with a younger sibling? It was a great convenience and solace having a ready made playmate growing up, though I do vaguely recall arguing a lot about nothing when we had to share a room. According to Mum I had no interest in walking as a baby, I was content to stay where I was and look around me, she claims it was only because I was trying to catch up to my sister that I got moving when I did. We had our own language as babies - my parents would try to repeat what we'd said and we would look at them like they were crazy. She often bore the brunt of bad things that would happen growing up, acting as a shield to her siblings. She made me speak for her in public settings when we were growing up - I think I would be a lot more introverted without her. I have a natural tendency to be absentminded & growing up, would often live in my own world, completely unaware of the existence of others - so its good that i had someone in my face most of the time that taught me to pay attention. I think that I would be a lot different without her, although I have no idea what I would be like.

Herbs & other things

And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man... Started reading a book the other day but haven't finished, can't remember the title but its by Leslie Kenton, all about herbs. Apparently parsley can be used for halitosis among other things, if you boil fennel seeds for 15 minutes in water, the tea can be used as an appetite suppressant, and a combination of dandelion & burdock root, as well as cleavers, can be used to aid and abet a person undergoing a detox. I had never heard of most of these plants before I opened this book, but it seems like a miracle that such amazing properties, tastes and assistance would come in small doses from things you never think about. Like herbs. Yesterday i was thinking about the whole recession thing and something I heard in a talk on sunday night, about being prepared for greater things. I guess life would be pointless if it were always easy. You can push away at something with all your energy and not get anywhere, but it only takes a small thing to push it past where it needs to go. Sometimes that small thing can be in the form of a word of encouragement from another person, an idea that motivates you, something little that makes you happy. I'm going to try to pay more attention to the little things that are always there but that I might miss out on because I'm not looking for them. Like smiles, nature, people who care about me, being able to walk (after a few weeks of hobbling around) sunshine, and feeling at peace with the world.

Herbs & other things

And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man... Started reading a book the other day but haven't finished, can't remember the title but its by Leslie Kenton, all about herbs. Apparently parsley can be used for halitosis among other things, if you boil fennel seeds for 15 minutes in water, the tea can be used as an appetite suppressant, and a combination of dandelion & burdock root, as well as cleavers, can be used to aid and abet a person undergoing a detox. I had never heard of most of these plants before I opened this book, but it seems like a miracle that such amazing properties, tastes and assistance would come in small doses from things you never think about. Like herbs. Yesterday i was thinking about the whole recession thing and something I heard in a talk on sunday night, about being prepared for greater things. I guess life would be pointless if it were always easy. You can push away at something with all your energy and not get anywhere, but it only takes a small thing to push it past where it needs to go. Sometimes that small thing can be in the form of a word of encouragement from another person, an idea that motivates you, something little that makes you happy. I'm going to try to pay more attention to the little things that are always there but that I might miss out on because I'm not looking for them. Like smiles, nature, people who care about me, being able to walk (after a few weeks of hobbling around) sunshine, and feeling at peace with the world.

Day 8

Yesterday being daylight savings changeover, with a 2:30am start at work, I thought that i would be completely wiped out for the whole week. Surprisingly not. I can only attribute this to the amount of chlorophyll in my system. Drinking it powdered, eating it, drinking it juiced, I think its having a positive effect on me. The most amazing thing for me so far is that it beautifully counterbalances my sugar induced lows, I eat chocolate, I become high, I drop suddenly and green water is the only thing that makes me feel better. And for some unknown reason my mind has been a lot clearer lately. I got a bus into the city this morning so i could do some research at the town library, and try out a new juice bar, Suju. They make green smoothies. I had one for morning tea. Now I feel like going for a run. I think i should read Slow Burn again. Stu Mittleman seems like a man who knows what he's talking about.